At
some point, you may have thought, I wish I was funnier. But not in a
lame, mainstream filmy way. I wish I was weird-funny. I wish people told
stories about me. Did you hear about the hilarious thing that one person did
yesterday? He rode a cow through Central Park. He went to a Trump rally
as a joke. He got “nSync” tattooed on his back.
I wish my life was a series of memorable, alternative-comedy moments.
It’s not as hard as it seems.
Here are some tips:
As
a warmup, spend a few hours a week in a senior citizens’ home. Never
let on that you’re there as a goof. In order to make people think that
you’re a real volunteer, actually help the patients. Get to know their
children and their grandchildren. Earn their trust. Then, after eight or
nine years, give a long speech about the intelligence and precision of
the Japanese Army during the Second World War. The old people will hate
it, but they’ll all be in wheelchairs or whatever, so you’ll be fine.
After
you stop volunteering at the senior citizens’ home, get the most normal
job ever. The more normal, the more hilarious. On most days, stroll in a
little late, with your hair parted down the middle, and say, “Sorry I’m
late. I was just livin’ on the edge. Are y’all Aerosmith fans?”
Your
colleagues may think that you’re joking, but you should actually be a
huge Aerosmith fan. It’s funny only if you find a way to do it in
earnest.
Mess with everyone by
putting a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth in the break-room
fridge. (Before you do this, become a great cook so you can prepare the
pig yourself and carve it for everyone.)
Memorize
your co-workers’ favorite conversation topics. Discuss these with them,
and let their knowledge genuinely impress you. This may sound
difficult, but once you’re in the alternative-comedy groove your
questions will flow naturally. If you become invested in your co-workers
themselves, and therefore in their answers, they will never figure out
that your presence at the office is a gag.
Identify
the least cool secretary in your joke workplace and ask her to have
lunch with you every day. Make a genuine attempt to get her into
hip-hop. Pick a terrible local rapper and take her to every one of his
shows. If you can trick a loser secretary into loving hip-hop while
convincing a crappy rapper that he’s actually got fans, that’s a
two-for-one alt-comedy joke.
Marry
the secretary—the ultimate goof. But, to make sure that she doesn’t
suspect anything, really fall in love and give her your whole heart.
Make up nicknames for each other. Have silly traditions. The whole deal.
Trust me, if you can manage the little mental trick whereby you
actually love her so much that you’ll do anything for her, she’ll be
none the wiser.
To
heighten the joke, have kids. Raise them as if they aren’t a gag. Love
them and tell them that they can accomplish anything, all the while kind
of winking to yourself, thinking, I can’t believe they’re buying this
crap.
If you really commit to being a
full-on weirdo, your years of pranking will pay off in a hilarious
indie-film-style ending on your deathbed. You’ll be surrounded by
co-workers from your fake job and your wife and children from your
hilarious joke marriage.
